It’s 2.58 in the morning..

6 Aug

It’s 2.58am and I just got out off my bed. I’ve tried so hard to close my eyes but I just can’t. I don’t know why but maybe because I woke up so late this morning that my sleeping pattern is now changing. So I read the newspapers, still not sleepy. Then switched on my laptop and started googling some random pictures of ANTM’s models. Wtf I don’t know why I did that for. It’s totally depressing to see those kind of people with great heights and body so I decided to blog-hop until I find nothing else that’s interesting to read, and started typing this. Sometimes I think too much about how someone sees me as who I am. I keep on repeating the words in my head that everybody is different and all you have to do is just be yourself. But when I am alone and don’t have anything else to do (like, right now!) I tend to play with my bloody irrational thinking that I’m not good as anyone else in this world. What I mean is, not being good in any ways. It’s just that I’m such a stupid pathetic loser who’s not as the same level to be friends with..well, my friends. I know they’ve been my friends for a very long time and I keep asking myself why do I even think of this stuff? I don’t know why this thing keeps bugging me as if I’m not being up to par to anyone and I’m actually embarrassed with myself because of I don’t know what. I am usually the type of person who doesn’t care of what people think of me and I really really like what I’m doing and even have a little bit of narcissism in every bit but yeah, my raging hormones control me sometimes. It’s a choice I know, but in a way I just can’t get away from it, can I? It’s so irritating knowing the fact that you’re actually not happy being someone else and keep on telling yourself to be who you are and not afraid being it because you know, this topic is not even something for you to think about in the first place. You don’t have to satisfy every human being in your life just to make sure they’re happy with it but at the same time, you’re the one who suffers with your own hypocrisy. I am still crapping and it’s almost half an hour since I’m sitting mundanely in front of my laptop doing nothing. This is just a mixed up feeling I guess. Maybe I’m just being hormonal. Or maybe, I’m feeling a bit crazy and I think I have a personality disorder. Or maybe…I’ve been watching too much junks on the idiot box? And my last movie was Shutter Island. Now that explains the insanity. Good night.

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2 Responses to “It’s 2.58 in the morning..”

  1. Azhan Bashir August 6, 2010 at 11:21 am #

    Well, let’s start with “OMG I ALWAYS THINK LIKE THAT ALSO MEH!!!!!” As depressing as it is, I just couldn’t help myself not to think of such stuff, especially when I’m alone and feeling a bit sad or frustrated about something else. I always feel like I’m not good enough to do anything.
    Few nights ago, my friends and I were having this long intellectual discussion about what do we want in our life. It started with a story of a person, having a complete life; a degree, good job, got married, had a child etc etc. It’s decent. But the thesis statement is, IS DECENT ENOUGH? For me and one of my friend, it’s not. We want our life to be special and more meaningful. We wanna do something that people can remember us. Then, I started to think, what is actually SPECIAL? Because to some others, the guy’s life IS special.
    So, after having a few very tiring mental arguments entitled “My Lame-as Life”, I started to think and notice that it is actually not myself who can judge how lame-as my life is. It’s actually the task of the people around you, for instance, your friends. And not trying to brag or anything, but I think my friends have been doing a very great job in executing that task, because somehow, I do think that my life is a bit special in surprisingly many ways because they said so. It is the thing that we don’t have at the moment that makes us more grateful once we get it, or after we let it go.
    But as human, we always want something more because it’s in our nature. So, when you have those thoughts about how sucks your life is, don’t panic; it’s not the end of the world. It somehow makes you strive for better.
    And just remember, for the world, you might be someone, but for someone, you might be the world.

  2. aishahrox August 6, 2010 at 4:56 pm #

    Thanks for the long yet very impressive respond. I’m really glad someone actually read my crap! It’s such a very intriguing discussion you had with your friends up there. After reading the story of that particular person, I find that being special is subjective. As I’ve mentioned earlier, I don’t know what’s gotten into me because to think of it again, it’s not that I’m such a loner without friends and family and what nots kan?! But the thought of being so timid among others makes me think & questioning myself, did I deserve to be friends with them? Will they be ashamed of me? Are they embarrassed that I’m one of their friends? Or to them, am i just a superficial person who talks about food and music most of the time? But I know I’ve always have my girls & other friends as well, sometimes I just can’t see it. I was blinded by my own frustration about my inner thoughts that’s so illogical and senseless. So yeah this a good heads up for me. Thanks for the eye-opener and I shall remember it more often though. 🙂 That was so thoughtful.

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